I thought we were friends.
Me: hello nausea, welcome… what message do you bring me.
Nausea: It´s me, fear. Why do you insist on trying? Just give up. You will fail. They´ll laugh at you. You can´t mess up if you don’t try. Leave things the way they are. All is well as it is.
Me: Thank you for your concern and for sharing your point of view. I accept that that is the way you see things, but I do not agree. I can be so much more. I am grateful for the ways that you have protected me in the past, I know you have always acted from good intentions and the mean well, but I kindly request that you please allow me to do tings differently from now on.
Fear: Don’t be a fool. Like you said, I have protected you in the past and you need me. Don´t expose yourself, you will be let down and it will be worse. We have gotten along so well keeping our head down and staying out of trouble. Don’t rock the boat now.
Me: I´ve had similar conversations with my mom. It seems you also think I am asking for your permission. Do not confuse my asking politely with submission. I will continue to act towards my goals, and they include exposure. Getting out there. Going public. I have decided to place myself at the service of others and that includes sharing my story and my experience. I have already been doing it and I really enjoy it; it fills me and most of the people I have worked with have given me very positive feedback. I am not asking for permission; I am telling you that your reign is over. And if you must provide your opinion, at least don’t scream anymore, share it once and in a decent tone. I will take into consideration, that´s a promise. What I cannot guarantee is that I will heed your suggestions, especially if they are to continue in a zone of comfort and to procrastinate.
Fear: Things aren’t that bad. You live a comfortable life. You have made much progress on many fronts. We are safe. If you keep making changes, we will lose everything. What will people say, anyway? What will they think? They will surely laugh at you. Plus, what if you fail? You will most likely fail. I am your friend. I have been with you thought your worst times. I have protected you and shielded you. Why are you acting ungratefully? Why are you turning your back on me? you won’t survive without me! You have needed me all along and you will need me always. Don’t mess with our system, our safety net. Remember it’s a cruel world out there. Everyone is out to get you. You learned this very well as a child. Have you forgotten already?! Have you forgotten that you are weak and fragile? Have you forgotten that you must always be extremely careful? Do you not care that there is danger lurking around each corner? This is why your mom was so cold and coarse, or at least that what she said, or you perceived, she had to prepare you for the real world. Thanks to the lack of love, time, and affection you formed callouses that have allowed you to take hits and withstand this dark and cold world and survive this hard life. But there is only so much one can take. Keep your head under the covers, keep hiding in mediocracy, do not expose yourself. This way we avoid suffering which is a huge win because another lesson you learned as a child was that this world only offered suffering for you.
Me: What you are saying makes a lot of sense. It resonates with the way I have seen the world for many years and the way the world was presented to me as a child and how I think my family sees it as well. I also see all these as lies. Lies that I no longer agree with. I accept the fact that I saw and in part still see the world that way, hey, it´s what I was taught and learned as a child, but I do not agree nor do I approve of that anymore. Plus, I have lived in this world for 38 years and have experienced another side of it. One where I have succeeded, and not just at trivial easy things, but at challenging feats, things that I thought I would fail at, that I felt the same nausea and desire to run away from, but I stuck to it, in many instances sought help and did a very good job. Which shows me something else, there is help, there is love and there is good in the world. This is what I rather believe, and I choose to believe this over the lies you are repeating to me. I am tired of hearing them and will not pay attention to them anymore. What if I lose everything you ask? Great! I would look to gain everything. What I have isn’t serving me anymore. This mindset of fear and scarcity and looking down on myself and remaining in the shadows is NOT serving me anymore! What will they say or think? I am SO over wasting my time considering that. First of all, who are they? When have they ever done anything for me? They will always talk and think whatever they want or are programmed to. I am ready to let go of that concern and worry. What do I think? How do I feel about that? what will I say? These are my new go to questions regarding approval. People might laugh at me, great! I´ve always wanted to be a comedian. But seriously, I´ve laughed and judged and criticized people all my life. I am not proud or happy at the person I am when I´ve done that. When I do it is from a place of feeling small and a cheap way to feel better about myself. It is a momentary and empty method at that. And I will not continue to allow the opinion of anyone outside of me, especially someone that feels small and is looking to feel better by putting someone else down dictate how I feel, what I think or what I do.
I do appreciate what you have done for me. I can’t help but think how my life would be had I lived without you. I cannot say for a fact if it would be better or worse. Again, I do recognize your good intentions and am grateful for the protection you have provided. I also take part on your development and harboring you for so long, it is hard to let go of what I know as has served me. You did serve me. I don’t know how I would have survived my childhood without you. Drugs and gambling ended up hurting me but while I was using them, they served as an effective escape from what I wanted to avoid. I am human. Being human includes trying things, sometimes failing, correcting the course, and growing out things. In this case, I have grown out of a fear and shame-based, scarcity mentality. I know you are there; I feel you hinting at the fact that it´s the only way I know how to be, and I don’t know any other way. Yes and no. I have tried living in trust and believing in myself. AND I LIKE IT!
Fear: You´ll be back! You will get hurt and you will run back to me with your tail between your legs. The world will be my best advocate and remind you why you choose me in the first place.
Me: It is very likely that I will face obstacles. And in those cases it will be perfectly understandable that my default response will be to feel what I´ve felt for years, the nausea and think that the best response will be to run away or to quit like you have suggested and I have followed so many times in the past. Like I said before, I will truly appreciate that if you must share your point of view please do so in a decent manner and polite voice. There is no need to scream anymore. I have experienced many instances where I have taken a leap of faith, while you commanded otherwise, and things turned out beautifully. In fact, they are some of my proudest moments. You were present, you lived them with me. I didn’t act without fear, I acted in spite of you. This is not a goodbye. This is not an attack on you. I am not kicking you to curb and cursing the day I met you. In fact, I do want you to please continue to walk with me. I need you to survive. There have been many instances where you have saved my life, kept me out of trouble or steered me in the right direction. Where I am asking you to allow me space, or rather to venture out with me, is outside the walls of the limiting beliefs you mentioned around not being good enough, thinking I am here to suffer, that there is only bad out there and I’m better off keeping my head in the sand. I know for a fact those absolutes are lies. I do not agree or approve of them anymore. They do not reign me, my feelings, decisions, or actions anymore and I invite you to keep looking out for me in rational ways. For example, from not falling into holes, or driving in a decent manner, keeping my cool, things that will keep me safe. From now on, I am good enough, I am more than enough, I deserve the best that life has to offer, I am a gift to the world and I will work to give of myself to it, anything that goes against this current will be considered irrational and will not be accepted.
Fear: Do whatever you want then. I am nervous and you should be afraid but do whatever you want.
Me: this is new territory for both of us. Are you down with giving it a shot and see how we adapt to it?
Fear: I´m not too happy about this. I can’t say you’ve caught me be complete surprise but it´s still kind of a shock. In a way I am proud of you, you´re right, I have been there when you´ve gone against my better judgement and I have seen how happy it has made you and how proud of yourself it has made you feel. There is a part of me that is excited and wants to root for you, but there is another part that believes you will fail, get hurt and suffer. A part of me wants to see you succeed, but another part wants to see you fail so you can back, and we can go back to the way it has worked for us.
Me: Thank you. Thank you for having my best intentions at heart. Thank you for wanting what is best for me. Thank you for your honesty. Can I count on your willingness to at least give it a try?
Fear: against my better judgment, yes, but I can’t make any promises.
Me: Thank you. That is all I ask.
At first, I connected with and felt the nausea, as I was writing I felt a pain in my chest. As I am answering I feel a tingly sensation on my hands.
